


Let's Make It Gay, Boys!

by my_shattered_teacup, shadowyhannigram



Category: Hannibal (TV), Hannibal Lecter Series - All Media Types
Genre: 'platonic', Behind the Scenes, Comedy, Crack, Drinking, Gay, Gen, M/M, Madancy, RPF, hannibaltv, much gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-06-23 04:13:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15598056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_shattered_teacup/pseuds/my_shattered_teacup, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowyhannigram/pseuds/shadowyhannigram
Summary: Bryan, Mads and Hugh meet up for a drink one night after signing their contracts for "Hannibal" prior to filming. What would happen if they all got completely smashed, and decided to make the series really, really gay? A crackfic comedy of behind the scenes shenanigans of our favorite trio planning our favorite Hannigram moments.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> A crackfic inspired by some truly hilarious exchanges with Shadowyhannigram, my beta for this fic. This one's for you babe. 
> 
> I don't own Hannibal, so please don't sue me; I'm a broke pre-med student and all I have is ramen noodles, used mechanical pencils and student debt. Purposefully OOC for humor, all done in good fun. This is my first Hannibal fic, so I hope it brings a few laughs. Feedback is always appreciated!! I hope you enjoy.

**“Let’s Make It Gay, Boys.”**

  


No one was quite sure whose idea it was to order shots.

 

Hugh has been sneaking glances at the flirtatious trio of giggling blondes at the bar for the past half hour, and thinks they are the most likely culprits. Either them, or Mads. Hugh sighs, stirring his drink. Probably Mads.

 

_How the fuck did we end up here?_

 

Things had started so simply, a cordial meeting over coffee and stale pastries at the NBC corporate office in Burbank, an easy afternoon of signing contracts and shaking hands, schmoozing the network executives. Nothing out of the ordinary. And then Bryan had suggested meeting for a drink to celebrate. Why not? Hugh and Mads hadn’t seen each other in far too long, no filming projects in Denmark having materialized since “King Arthur”, and Bryan seemed a nice enough chap.

 

_And so our story begins._

 

————————————————

 

**[West Hollywood, Interior of a bar, Night]**

 

_Dimly lit and smoky, an old hollywood vibe. A sultry duo is crooning jazz next to a baby grand on the stage. Bryan has just returned from the bar carrying a handful of drinks. Mads is being classy and pulls out Bryan’s chair for him. Hugh is sharing yet another round of baby photos of his son._

 

Bryan: Alright, so we’ve got a Carlsberg for the Sexy Dane, a Bloody Mary for moi…get it…Bloody Mary…we’re shooting Hanni…[shakes head dejectedly when no one laughs. It’s hard to be a genius sometimes]…never mind, and a dirty shirley for the Fancy Dancy.

 

Mads: [Taking a luxurious sip of his beer, eyebrows raised.] You drink dirty shirley’s?

 

Hugh: [Clearing his throat] They must have made a mistake, I like Cherry Vodka with sprite.

 

_Mads and Bryan stare, Bryan takes his seat._

 

Bryan: Honey, thats a dirty shirley, just own it. Alright, so cheers everyone. Here’s to a long run with Hannibal! So excited to have you both on board.

 

Hugh: Cheers!

 

Mads: Skål.

 

Bryan: [Gushing with enthusiasm] It’s just going to be such a great project, you guys. The sets, the food, we’ve got an amazingly talented cast lined up, the costumes are to die for…sorry Hugh, not for Will, just the rich people in the show, but it’s just going to be so damn great.  

 

Hugh: [Nodding seriously, fishing a maraschino cherry out of his glass] I feel like it’s going to translate so well on television, the script is so well done, and there’s so much depth to the story that I feel we didn’t get from Red Dragon. I mean, it’s going to be hard going up against the films, they’re such classics, but I think we’ve really got something here.

 

Mads: [ Stealing one of Hugh’s cherries] It’s quality material, no doubt. Hannibal is such an incredible role, I can’t wait to get started. [Casually pulls cherry stem from his mouth tied in a perfect knot]

 

Bryan [mumbling]: Hannibal is such a sexy devil.

 

Mads: Pardon?

 

Bryan: I said Hannibal hates heavy metal. Heh. [Chews celery stick garnish, nailed it.]

 

Hugh: [Nodding seriously] I can see that. Will seems like a classic rock kind of guy though.

 

Bryan: It’s great that you gentlemen have a great working history together, that will really translate on film. Draw the audience in. [ Bangs fist on table in excitement] I’m so thrilled to have the opportunity to develop this complex, deep, heterosexual male friendship, it’s something that I feel is  never really explored or it’s cheapened by comedy gimmicks, and you two are just perfect for it, chemistry wise. [Slurps accidently, looks down at empty glass] Well shit, I’m dry, boys. Refill?

  


**[ Four Hours Later]**

  


_Their table is littered with empty shot glasses, lime rinds, and a full ashtray as Mads lights up yet another cigarette. Seemingly the most sober of the group, Mads has commandeered an empty chair to prop up his feet, swirling the ice in his cocktail with one hand and loosely grasping his cigarette with the other.  Hugh isn’t faring as well, and is struggling to remove his jacket and scarf, grinning flushed and rosy cheeked at everything his companions say. He hasn’t quite reached the giggling stage, but it’s apparent he's well on his way there. Bryan has turned into everyone’s favorite affectionate drunk, staring warmly at Mads and Hugh in turn._

 

Bryan: I just love you guys, I can’t wait for us to work together. [Initiates group hug]

 

Mads: I fucking love you, man. [Ruffles Bryan’s hair]

 

Hugh: I’m just so…(deep breath) honored (pause) to bring Will Graham to life, and his tragic backstory, and just all the dogs and..and..and…

 

Mads: [Chuckling, giving Hugh a friendly slap on the back] It’s okay, Hugh, you don’t have to give us your Emmy speech.

 

Hugh: [Closes his eyes, nodding stoically] I just love you guys, okay?

 

Mads: I’m gonna get us another round. Who else wants a fuzzy navel?

 

Bryan: Fuck yeah.

 

Hugh: *hiccups* Make it a double.

 

Bryan: Ooh, and gummy bear shots.

 

Mads: [Puts his head in his hands, mumbling] You guys are fucking killing me.

 

_Mads returns with their drinks, Bryan is grinning mischievously, giving the distinct impression he is scheming.  Hugh is attempting to text with one hand covering his right eye._

 

Mads: [ Handing Bryan his drinks.] Bryan, I know that look. What are you planning?

 

Bryan; [Leaning over the table conspiratorially, motioning the other men to join him. He’s slurring slightly] Well, I had this idea for _Hannibal._ What if we made it like Silence of the Lambs….but you guys make out? [ He shrugs, palms up, eyebrows raised.]

 

Mads: Absolutely, I can see that. The sexual tension between Will and Hannibal is so obvious.[Sips from champagne flute] I mean, the puns, the innuendo, the intellectual attraction alone. The penetrating stares. Having Hugh in his underwear.

 

Hugh: *hiccups* I’m in my underwear? [Looks down at his pants]

 

Bryan: [Clearly delighted] Is that something you both would be comfortable with?

 

Mads [Grinning] Bryan, I’m danish. You’re fine with it, right Dancy? Having Hannibal and Will love each other?

 

_At this time, it becomes rapidly apparent that Hugh has officially reached the giggle stage._

 

Hugh: But like…*giggle* platonically? Like best mates?

 

Mads: .….Sure. *winks at Bryan*

 

Bryan: [Snorts a laugh into his cocktail, mumbling]  Yeah Hugh, you’ll platonically suck Hannibal’s cock, nbd, just bros.

 

Hugh: Bros! Just like us! [He reaches out to boop Mads on the nose, but miscalculates and pokes him aggressively on the cheek with a giggle]

 

Bryan: [Clapping his hands with a little bounce] It’s official then! You let me deal with the network. *Raises glass* Let’s make it gay, boys!

 

Hugh: Like happy? [He grins, reaching over to Mads and pushing his mouth up into a wide grin.] So happy. Hey did you know you have vampire fangs?

 

Mads: [Talking around a forced grin] Hugh, we’ve talked about this.

 

Bryan: Oh no baby, they’re anything but happy. But we’ll learn to love their pain. That’s my job, as a producer. ANGST!

 

_Hugh visibly flinches at the shout. He unfolds his scarf and wears it like a shock blanket._

 

Bryan: FANS WANT ANGST. [Growing emotional ] AND I JUST WANT YOU TWO TO HOLD FUCKING HANDS AND MURDER PEOPLE TOGETHER IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK

 

Mads: [Unfazed, throws back a shot]. Let’s fucking do it. Let’s make it fucking gay.

 

Bryan: HELLA GAY.

 

Hugh: SO MUCH HAPPY. [Throws arms around Mads]

  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bryan has a meeting with NBC Network Executives, a scantily clad Hugh and Mads interrupt.

 

** [Pre-Production Meeting of Executives, Producers and Writers, NBC Headquarters with Bryan Fuller on location in Toronto in his set trailer joining in via Skype] **

****

** [Meeting Room, Day] **

****

Middle aged, white, nameless overpaid male executive: [Rubbing his forehead] Bryan, I’m just not sure about some of these changes you’re making here, this wasn’t what we discussed and to be honest with you [peers at script] I don’t remember any of this being in the movies or the book. I’ve highlighted a few of them here…

Bryan: Oh boy.

Middle aged, white, nameless overpaid male executive: [Reads slowly from script] “Will sits with a pause, he considers taking gauze from a med-kit but reaches down and rips his shirt in half, using the fabric to dab Hannibal’s bloody forehead, gazing deeply into his eyes before dropping his gaze to Hannibal’s sumptuous lips. Hannibal reaches a hand out and tucks an errant curl behind Will’s ear, his fingers trailing down Will’s neck to the dip in his collarbone before Jackass-” 

Bryan: Whoops, typo. Heh.

 Middle aged, white, nameless overpaid male executive: [Clears throat and continues] ‘- before _Jack_ interrupts their moment.” Aren’t they at a crime scene? This feels…

Bryan [visibly excited] Intimate?

 Middle aged, white, nameless overpaid male executive: ...Yes. 

Overeager Intern: [Popping on screen, wearing a Pushing Daisies fan made tee and a manic gleam in their eye] Ohmigod, like, can I just say, that I am really loving the homoerotic undertones here. Like, just _so_ Anne Rice amiright?

Underpaid Disgruntled Writer: [Turns to intern] I’m sorry, shouldn’t you be getting coffee or refilling my prozac prescription? Take your avocado toast and get the fuck out of here. 

Middle aged, white, nameless overpaid male executive: Homoerotic undertones? [Slaps script down] This is network television, son, this is not some Bravo or HBO pay per view bullshit. People want to see murder and mayhem! Scary Hannibal Lecter taken down by the Heroic Muscular uh…[glances at script] Will Graham. Sexy ladies solving crime in cocktail dresses and nerd glasses, but getting home to put the roast on in time for dinner. Doggos running around in the snow! Sports references! Patriarchy! 

Bryan: [Pissed, but trying to remain cool and professional] We’ve had really great responses from the test viewings, and Mads and Hugh are on board, I think this could really give us a boost in niche ratings, and-

__

Mads: [Offscreen]  Bryan? You hiding in there? We’re getting ready to film the shower scene and Hugh and I had some notes.

Bryan: [Yelling]  JUST A SECOND I’M ON A CONFERENCE CALL.

Middle aged, white, nameless overpaid male executive: [sputters incoherently and homophobically] ShOwEr ScEnE? 

Underpaid, Disgruntled Writer: Notes? What does he mean he has ‘notes’?!  That scene is perfect! The lingering glances, the innuendo, the blood dripping down to mix with the water mirroring Hannibal’s acceptance of Will washing his latent morality away, what more could he want?! You know what I want? A FUCKING RAISE. A RAISE  SO I CAN PAY MY SNOTTY KIDS PRIVATE SCHOOL TUITION AND MAYBE BUY ORGANIC PRODUCE AS A FUCKING TREAT.

_ There is a sudden scuffle and burst of light behind Bryan who starts with surprise, Mads and Hugh enter the trailer. Mads, being Danish and possessing zero modesty, is walking around in his costume for the scene, a flesh toned speedo. Hugh has decided to wrap up in a Playboy style velvet smoking robe. They’re bickering affectionately.   _

__

Mads: [Walking up behind Bryan, preoccupied with the script] Dancy, you are worse than a mother chicken. I’m fine.

Hugh: Mother HEN, its Hen, just - Bryan, tell him to put on a coat, for fuck’s sake Mads, it’s practically snowing outside, why aren’t you wearing your robe?

Mads: I was born of this. 

Hugh: [deadpan]  Right. 

Bryan: [Raising his hands in surrender, delivering his speech somewhere towards Mads’ midsection] Hugh, he’s a grown ass man, he can wear what he likes.

Mads [Flipping through copy of  script covered in red markings]: Bryan, I don’t understand why the sex scene takes place after the shower, shouldn’t they start during? I feel like that’s more in character for Hannibal and Will. Plus, shower sex is hot. And another thing, you promised me more nudity, Bryan. [Slaps hand on script ] I don’t want promises, I need results. 

Bryan: Er…

Hugh: [Tries to look over Mads’ shoulder, realizes there is no step stool to accomplish this, and peers around his arm instead] There’s not even a sexy undressing scene? What’s the point of Hannibal wearing a three piece suit if he doesn’t take it off in slow motion? 

Mads [Snaps fingers, pointing at Bryan]: Even better, Will should take it off of him. It mirrors Hannibal being stripped of his person suit and showing his vulnerability to Will. 

Bryan: [Squeals, hands to mouth] oh my god I love it. 

_ Middle aged, white, nameless overpaid male executive goes very red in the face and clutches his chest, wheezing. Underpaid, Disgruntled Writer looks affronted, a vein pulsing visibly in his forehead.  Mads looks up at the sputtering of the executive and realizes Bryan is in a meeting. He grins, coming too close to the camera and waving. Unfortunately, the network team can only see an impressive close up of half of his speedo and an awkward looking Hugh and Bryan in the background _

__

Mads[Speaking overly loud]: Hey there, filming is going great guys! We’re really loving what we’ve got so far. Go Hannigram! 

_ Hugh gives a double thumbs up in the background. _

Bryan: [chuckling nervously] Well I gotta deal with some issues on set guys, same time next week? [Rapidly exes out chat window and puts his head in his hands with a groan] These fucking middle aged, cis, white overpaid executives, man. Fucking killing my game here.

_ Hugh comes in for a side hug, Mads pats Bryan affectionately on the head. _

__

Mads: We got you, fam. Fans are already frothing at the mouth for a new version of Hannibal, we’re unstoppable. 

Bryan: Oh! That reminds me, I got you guys a little something just for shits and giggles.

Hugh: [Genuinely touched] Bryan, you shouldn’t have. I mean, my birthday was a few weeks ago and I know you’re busy so I just assumed you forgot, but..

  
Bryan: [Panicked] Right, uh, Happy Belated Birthday you bodacious british...man.  Here! [Thrusts amazon prime box into both of their hands.]

_ Mads sits elegantly in a chair, somehow pulling a swiss army knife from his speedo and delicately opening the box. Hugh rips into his box immediately like a child on Christmas morning. Mads notices Bryan staring perplexed and open mouthed at the speedo. _

__

Mads: [very seriously] Method acting. Hannibal would always have a weapon, and guns lack intimacy. 

Bryan:[sniffs] FUCKING PERFECT 10/10 WOULD CAST AGAIN. 

_ Hugh has thrown the empty Amazon Prime box over his shoulder and unfurled a large black and red jersey with a stags head on the front, he turns it around to reveal “MURDER MUFFIN” across the back shoulders and a large 69 underneath. Mads unfolds his own jersey, similarly marked with number 69 but with “HAPPY CANNIBAL” across the verso.  _

Hugh: [High pitched scream] Its perfect!

Bryan: [Clearly pleased] It was a toss up between that or Mongoose, but look at that beautiful puppy face, you’re totes a murder muffin. 

_ Hugh blushes crimson, clearly pleased and looking uncannily like a kawaii character in the process. _ _Mads is examining the shirt  tag._

__

Mads: Bryan, you dog, it’s even adidas. I’m wearing this every day for the rest of my goddamn life. 

_ Mads picks bryan up in a tight hug and spins him around, Bryan looks FUCKING THRILLED at this action. Hugh squeals again, having dug through the box in search of free moisturizing and cologne samples, because hey, free is free, has noticed a tiny grey onesie meant for his infant son. He holds it up, grinning from ear to ear, a charcoal grey onesie with “Hannigram is Canon, FIGHT ME” embroidered in vermillion across the chest.  _

Hugh: Claire is going to be thrilled, I’m overnighting this to London tonight!. [He moves to place the onesie back in the box, and starts looking back and forth between both jerseys, suddenly confused.] Um... Besides the obvious, why are they both number 69?

Mads: [Resigned, like he’s explained this many times] Because Bryan said they switch in bed, Hugh. 

Bryan: [At the top of his lungs] FLIP!! I SAID FLIP!!! 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People cookies given out to those who review *hint hint, nudge nudge* Feedback is love.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few of the scenes cooked up by Bryan that never made it to the air for Season 1.

** Chapter Three **

** Deleted Episode: Second Breakfast “Elevenses”, Season 1,  ** ** Filming Day 4, Toronto **

** Location: Set of Randy’s Rockin’ Chicken **

****

_ The team is filming on a soundstage set of a dingy fast food joint, Randy’s Rockin Chicken, seemingly located in a seedy district of town next to a XXX movie theatre. There is a grimy sign in the window advertising a “2 for 1 Breast and Thighs Special with purchase of movie tix”.  _

****

Director: Alright let’s take it from the top. Razzle me dazzle me people, let’s make some art. So first team hold and…..action. 

Jack: [with attempted smoldering intensity] There seems to be a _sexual_ element to the murders. 

Will: [softly] He’s killing virgins. They all died...untouched. Unloved. This was his love letter to them. 

Hannibal: *coughs* unoriginal *coughs*

Jack: [perplexed] Why would he be targeting virgins, Will? What do you see?

Will: [runs a hand through his curls] Sexually frustrated teenage girls, most likely.

Hannibal: Well, Jack, think of it from the killer’s perspective. If you were going to eat a sandwich, you’d probably prefer if no one fucked it first. 

Jack: [nodding stoically] Thank you, Doctor. 

Will: What the actual fuck. 

_ There is a moment of intensity, cameras panning between Hannibal and Will. Close up of Hannibal slowly licking his lips, biting his lip as Will gazed intently into his eyes. Does Will know of Hannibal’s “special diet”? Does he care? And even if he did, would it be enough for him to resist ‘playing doctor’? _

__

Directors: aaaaand cut. Print, check the gate. That’s lunch, everyone, great work. Bryan, come take a look at the dailies before we transition to the Lecter Dining Room / Sex Dungeon scene. 

_ Bryan meanders over to the director’s booth to view the precious takes, getting a high five from Hugh and a slap on the ass from Mads for his Hannigram fanart sweatshirt.  _

__

Bryan: [adopting The Thinker pose] It looks great but it’s just missing that certain something...is there a take with more eyefucking? 

Director: Psh. Hell yeah. This ain’t my first rodeo. I’ll have it on your desk tonight.

Bryan: Thanks boo-boo. [Begins elaborate fist bump Parent Trap style  handshake with director before they are interrupted by a sudden chorus of Straight Outta Compton. He pulls a slim iPhone from his pocket.] Shit, sorry, I have to take this. Hello?

__

_ Bryan has received a FaceTime call from Disgruntled, Underpaid Writer who we see wrapped in an alpaca wool poncho, purple beanie and fingerless gloves looking worse for the wear as he begins pouring Jack Daniels into a coffee mug reading “Actor’s Tears”.  _

__

Disgruntled, underpaid writer: Bryan thank god  I caught you, this time difference is fucking me in the ass. 

Bryan: Heh. Nice one. I see what you did there. 

Disgruntled, underpaid writer: [downs coffee mug, rubs his eyes with a drawn out groan]: Bryan,you gotta call off Esparza, man. He’s texting, he’s sending me emails, he’s blowing up my snapchat. I can’t take a goddamned shit without this man interrupting - oh, speak of the devil (holds phone up for Bryan to see a Snapchat of Raul with puppy dog filter and animated tongue attempting to lick a creeped out Hugh). He keeps talking about scene adjustments and character development, and absurdly well thought out arguments for Chilton performing a strip search of Will Graham -

_ Disgruntled, underpaid writer turns mid sentence at the entrance of Miserable Male Child, 11, who walks into the room, falls backwards into the sofa like a dead faint and begins bawling immediately.  _

__

Disgruntled, underpaid writer: MANGO BLANKET FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY ARE YOU CRYING? YOU ARE ELEVEN YEARS OLD AND HAVE LITERALLY NO RESPONSIBILITIES.

Mango Blanket [sniffs]: Common Core Math. 

Disgruntled, Underpaid Writer: [hangs his head in a moment of sympathy]. Carry on. 

_ Child resumes wailing as Disgruntled, Underpaid Writer refills his mug and walks onto his outdoor porch.  _

__

Bryan: I get it, I get it. I’ll talk to him. Get him to back off. Hey, did you get the notes I sent in the for “Buffet Froid” this morning?

Disgruntled, underpaid actor: [left eye begins twitching, his voice is a deathly hiss]. More notes?

Bryan:  Yeah, I’m just not feeling the dialogue. It’s ringing a little shallow. Every interaction between Hannibal and Will has to be compounded, deep, philosophical, sexual..It has to have _layers_ , like Shrek. Now THAT was character development. But this part here… [flips through script] Will is bitching about his empathy and struggling with his latent heterosexuality, sexual tension, blah blah blah, and then you wrote “he leans back against the ladder, gazing at Hannibal through lowered lashes, his chest rising and falling slightly faster at the intensity of Lecter’s salicious gaze traveling lower and lower as his attention is drawn away from Will’s broken mind to his nubile, prone body.” 

Underpaid, disgruntled writer: ….and? What ELSE could we possibly change? It has everything you asked for, elegance, sexual overtones to serious conversation, eyefucking!

Bryan: And then Hannibal leans in for a moment to ‘test his boundaries’ makes an off comment about learning limitations and then WALKS AWAY? No flirtatious touch? No lip biting? No sexual reference in his line? HE DIDN’T EVEN SMELL HiM.[deep breath] SO HELL NAW. NOT ON MY SHOW. (Slaps script against his palm, takes another steadying breath) I feel like this is a good opportunity to introduce bondage here.

Underpaid, disgruntled writer [his voice has not moved beyond death whisper, unable to cope with the idea of yet another revision to his precious work]: ….excuse me?

Bryan: [growing excited with the idea]: Yeah! Like, we can change the line Hanni says here...where is it...ah, “You have to honestly confront your limitations with what you do, and how it affects you.” and just segue into bondage. Hannibal can throw in some pretty lines about letting go, and trusting him, and loss of control and loss of sanity. Just throw that beautiful man up against the ladder and strap ‘im down. Let Hanni show him what a psychopath can do with a little truffle oil and some neckties. Rawr. 

_ Underpaid, disgruntled writer seems to have lost the ability to speak. Mango Blanket pops into view from the background, wiping his eyes. _

Mango Blanket: Hey dad, can you slice this avocado for me? I want to make some toast. 

_ Underpaid, disgruntled writer erupts in a volcano of anger issues, dropping the phone and spilling jack daniels everywhere _ “AvOcAdO ToAsT?!? <screech of rage > ” _screen cuts  to black._

Bryan: …..You still there? Hellooooo? Huh, lost him. 

** Deleted Episode: Second Breakfast “Elevenses”, Season 1, Filming Day 4, Toronto **

** Location: Hannibal’s Dining Room / Hidden Sex Dungeon **

****

Director: Alright everyone, quiet on the set. Hugh, remember, we need you to _smoulder_ with sexual and violent intensity. Every moment you’re in the room with Hannibal is like playing your own personal game of Marry Fuck Kill. . Focus on that undercurrent, let it guide you. OKAY, First team positions, hold, and ….. action. 

_ Hannibal, Will, Alana Bloom, Jack Crawford and Frederick Chilton are sitting in Hannibal’s elaborately decorated dining room at a long chrome and smoked glass dining table set with a large, feathered and animal skull bedecked centerpiece and sterling silver candelabra. Camera pans around the room showing a mix of eclectic decor, everything from oil paintings of classical homosexual scenes from the Illiad and greek mythology, to Japanese erotica and medieval torture devices / expensive ass antique bondage equipment. _

Frederick: Hannibal, it was such a lovely surprise to receive your invitation, and how generous of you to provide the evening’s entertainment. [Looks significantly at Will] Everything looks….quite...delicious…[Slowly licks his lips.]

Will: [eyes wide in honest repulsion] Dear god. 

Hannibal: [rounding the table with three plates balanced on his arms and one upon his head] My pleasure, Frederick. I love eating friends...I mean, [pauses to make sure he gets it right], I love eating with friends for dinner.

_ <implied cannibalism intensifies> _

_ Hannibal places the first plate in front of Alana, always the gentlemen, and accepts her flirtatious eye batting with poise, he can’t help it that he’s beautiful, and places the remaining two plates upon his arm in front of Jack and Chilton, saving the last plate for Will with a slight smile, his hands just barely brushing Will’s along his place setting.  _

__

Hannibal: Coq au Vin, with a red wine reduction, served with rustic potatoes, braised carrots and roasted portobello mushrooms with a cream sauce. Bone apple tea. 

__

_ He takes his seat at the head of the table with Jack opposite, Will to his right, Alana to his left, and Frederick as far away from him as fucking possible. Jack has tucked his napkin into his shirt collar as if anticipating an all you can eye pie contest and is eyefucking the chicken. Alana delicately saws bites of the meat, attempting coy glances at an inattentive Hannibal as she eats. Will stares, brow furrowed at his plate, looking back and forth between Hannibal’s dish and his own. _

__

_ [Close up of Hannibal’s plate, a tasteful arrangement of chicken thigh with dark, luxurious sauce, nestled upon a bed of mashed potatoes and a slender stack of slim, braised carrots with a smattering of petite mushroom caps in abstract form] _

__

_ Cut to - [ Close up of Will’s plate, a tasteful arrangement of chicken thigh with dark, luxurious sauce, nestled upon a bed of mashed potatoes and placed next to a collection of long carrots and two mushroom caps forming the shape of dick and balls] _

__

Hannibal [ smirking at Will’s wide eyed glances]: Are you alright, Will? 

Will [voice squeaking prepubescent] I’m Fine! (*cough*), I’m fine. 

Hannibal: Eat up. Didn’t your daddy ever tell you to clean your plate? [His lips twitch, pleased with his flirtatious taunt, before frowning  in alarm as Will  stares him down picks up a carrot stick with his hands and bites it in half with a loud crunch.]

Will: I didn’t always do what my daddy told me. [licks lips] Sometimes he told me I was a bad boy and I needed to be punished. 

Jack [Eating with relish] Your old man sounds like a dick. 

_ Will looks amusedly at Hannibal, raising his eyebrows,  Hannibal is decidedly unamused by the turn of conversation.  _

__

Hannibal: Maybe this is something we can explore in more detail during our next session, Will.

Will [ between gratuitous fork licking and eye contact ] I think that might just be what the doctor ordered. 

Director: STOP.  Everyone hold, Raul, STOP SUCKING THE CARROTS IN THE BACKGROUND,  JFC. Ok people we’re still rolling, still rolling. From the last line...action. 

Will: [seductively] I think that might just be what the doctor ordered.[Bites lip, Hannibal growls lowly]

Alana: [Clearly trying to regain H’s attention] Hannibal, this is delicious, my taste buds are in  _ecstasy._ [She draws her finger through the mashed potatoes and licks it off. Hannibal looks affronted at her table manners or attempted flirting but does not remark].

Frederick: I agree, it’s so tasty I could just eat it alive. [Stares hungrily at Will]

Hannibal: And you, Will? How do you find the food?

Will: [ Finishes eating the last of the mushroom caps, sucking the sauce from the side of his thumb before drawing it slowly across his bottom lip] Dr Lecter, I don’t think I will ever taste a cream sauce as delicious as this. 

Hannibal [ *eyefucking intensifies * ]: ….you will. 

__

Director: and that’s a cut! 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hannibal's line about fucking a sandwich borrowed from the incredible film "What We Do In The Shadows". Leave me a note and let me know what you think? Which parts made you laugh? Hope you enjoyed the feast!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scenes from Season 1 Episode 4 "Ceuf" / "Oeuf" as well as the Hannibal Halloween Party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay: Apologies for the ridiculous delay on this chapter, guys. I started school two weeks ago and its consumed my life. I made this chapter a little longer to make up for it, hope you enjoy!
> 
> Credit where credit is due: the "hard and easy" dialogue came from a meme on Instagram (@bestmemes) but I applied it to Hannigram. Some of the dialogue is taken directly from the Hannibal script for the episode. 
> 
>  
> 
> Without further ado, the next installment of Let's Make it Gay, Boys!

** Chapter Four  **

 

**Season One, Episode 4: Oeuf**

**Int. Hannibal’s Office - Night**

_Hannibal and Will are sitting opposite one another in their reclining leather armchairs, each holding a glass of wine loosely in the grasp. Will looks at the distance between the chairs, his knees nearly close enough to brush the fabric of Hannibal’s knee. Are they chairs closer together than their last session?_

 

Hannibal: [Smiling warmly] Tell me about your mother.

 

Will: That’s some lazy psychiatry, Dr. Lecter. Low hanging fruit.

 

Hannibal: Is that a euphemism, Will? [ _Glances pointedly at Will’s crotch. Will shifts uncomfortably, crossing his legs as a blush creeps up from his shirt collar, which Hannibal notices is unbuttoned one button lower than his previous session, giving a tantalizing peek of his pale throat. Tease.]_ However with your mother, I suspect that fruit is on a high branch, very difficult to reach.

 

Will: So’s my mother. I never knew her.

 

Hannibal: An interesting place to start.

 

Will: I thought you wanted to hear about my Daddy? [ _Hannibal’s eyes are drawn to Will’s mouth as he wets his lips]_ Tell me about your mother. Let’s start there. Quid pro quo, bro.

 

Hannibal: Both my parents died when I was very young. The proverbial orphan until I was adopted by my uncle Robertas and his sexy mail order bride when I was 16.

 

Will: Wow Hannibal TMI. _[He stands up, hands in his pockets and begins to walk the room aimlessly. Hannibal stands as well, taking the opportunity to check out Will’s ass]_ You have orphan in common with Abigail Hobbs.

 

Hannibal: I suspect we both have quite a bit in common with Abigail Hobbs. A lack of family, a want of understanding, of tenderness and care, wanting someone in your life to call Daddy.

 

[Will has stopped his roaming at the corner of Hannibal’s desk, bending and peering through his glasses to see the screen of Hannibal’s ipad.]

 

Will: Why are you googling conjugal visits in male prisons?

 

Hannibal: [Unflappably calm, walks briskly to his ipad and quickly closes out the window] Psychological research. How are your headaches doing, by the way? Any fever? Seizures? Murderous impulses?

 

Will: What?

 

Hannibal: What?

 

Will: You just said something?

 

Hannibal: You should stay for dinner tonight. I’m bringing Abigail. We could have a proper family dinner. Therapy for all.

 

Will: [Hesitant]  I wouldn’t want to impose…

 

Hannibal: Will, [he puts his hand gently on Will’s shoulder, stroking as if he is a timid, wild creature] You are always welcome in my kitchen. I insist, it would be my pleasure to have you for dinner.

 

Will: [Crosses back and retakes his seat across from Hannibal’s empty chair] I’ll think about it, thank you. To be honest, I should just stay in with Winston, pop a Hungry Man in the microwave, turn on Animal Planet and work on this case...but I won’t deny [he looks up at Hannibal through his lashes] you make it  hard….. to resist. 

 

_Hannibal also takes his seat, leaning forward into Will’s space with dark intensity in his eyes._

Hannibal: Will...There will come a time when you must choose between what is hard, and what is easy.

 

Will: I’m aware, Dr. Lecter. [breathless, subconsciously leaning forward.]

 

Hannibal: May I tell you a secret will?

 

_Will nods, unable to tear his eyes from Hannibal’s gaze._

Hannibal: I’m both. Right...now.

 

[ Scene cuts to Black]

 

**Hannibal’s Kitchen and Dining Room, Night**

**Episode Filming Day 9, Toronto**

 

[Hannibal holds the door into the kitchen open for a clearly annoyed Alana Bloom strides past him without invitation and  promptly begins pacing back and forth across the kitchen.]

 

Hannibal: Well, come in.

 

Alana: You know, Hannibal, if you had wanted to bring Abigail over for dinner, you could have just asked. Can you not imagine how mortifying it is to be notified that my patient, _MY_ patient, had been checked out of the facility for a “daddy daughter” date? What were you thinking?

 

Hannibal: ….My bad?

 

_Hannibal leans back against the marble countertop of the kitchen island, the overhead pendant lighting creating a chiaroscuro effect and hollowing his cheeks, Alana visibly gulps, finding it difficult to look away_

 

Alana: [clears throat, intensity gone] Rude, Hannibal. Shockingly rude.  I’d like to see her. Where is she?

 

_We hear a manic giggling offscreen followed by the sound of someone shushing and a crash of china exploding on the floor._

 

Hannibal [holding back a grin] She’s in the dining room. But...if I may [ _He puts his hand on Alana’s  shoulder, slowly slipping down her arm to encircle her wrist, knowing the effect this touch will have on her, grinning fully as her breathing speeds up_ ] She had a panic attack after she arrived...in hindsight, it wasn’t my brightest idea to play “Bambi” for her on the ipad while I sauteed the tomatoes but what are you going to do?  [He shrugs elegantly, still holding Alana’s wrist loosely in his grip] I gave her an aspirin, she appears to have had a mild reaction.

 

Alana: [faintly] a reaction? _[stares at Hannibal’s hands, her gaze trailing up his arm to his broad shoulders, before crawling slowly up his neck and focusing on his lips, twisted into a smirk.]_

Hannibal: I said it was mild. Will you allow me to make it up to you, for the discourtesy? Stay for dinner, perhaps?

 

_Hannibal and Alana enter the dining room and we see Abigail who has removed her customary scarf from her neck and wrapped it around her head like a bandana worn by gypsies. She alternates between arranging pieces of a shattered teacup into a semblance of ‘Hanni Loves Will’ and poking at her stained converse, giggling under her breath._

 

Hannibal: Abigail, Dr. Bloom is joining us for dinner.

 

Abigail: [in a loud whisper] We’re having breakfast. Shhh, don’t tell my doctor. She can get kind of bitchy sometimes. [bursts into giggles]

 

Alana: [turning to Hannibal]: I’m thinking we need to work on your definition of ‘mild’

 

Hannibal: Alana, you worry too much, you need to relax, unwind. [He moves behind Alana to lightly rub her shoulders with an exaggerated wink at Abigail] Why don’t you help Abigail set the table while I finish preparations in the kitchen, and I’ll get you a drink in the interim.

 

_Abigail returns his exaggerated wink with a thumbs up, sobering her expression to nod seriously at Alana, who looks like she is about to unravel at the seams from Hannibal’s half assed massaging of her shoulders._

 

Abigail: He’s like, an amazing cook. Chef. Whatever. It’s going to be totes delish. [Her phone dings loudly, she fishes it out of her back pocket to read the text message and reads in a slow monotone.] “Sorry can’t make it, bathing dogs. Next time for sure. Kissy face, Will.”

 

Hannibal: [Trying not to seem interested] Do you think that last part was intended for you or for me?

 

Alana: What?

 

Hannibal: What?

 

Abigail [staring at her palms] My hands are like, SO BIG right now you guys. [ starts giggling again]

 

_Abigail stands and makes her way to the kitchen followed by Alana and Hannibal. Hannibal discards his suit jacket, hanging it up neatly on the coat rack positioned in the corner of the room, rolling his sleeves to his elbows and moving elegantly back to the stovetop and begins single handedly cracking eggs over his spatula with a grin, showing off a bit for Abigail. Alana has been staring fixedly at his ass in tight trousers and the tanned skin of his forearms for the past several minutes in complete silence._

Hannibal: Alana, how do you like your eggs?

 

Alana: Fertilized.

 

_Abigail snorts loudly._

 

Alana: FLORENTINE. *cough* I prefer eggs florentine.

 

Hannibal:.....Right. [He begins plating their food]. Alright, scrambled for Abigail, here you go, and [he tosses a handful of wilted spinach into Alana’s omelette], Eggs Florentine for Dr. Bloom.

 

Abigail: [eating with gusto] This is delicious.

 

Hannibal: [boops her on the nose] Ah ah ah, we mustn’t be rude, Abigail. What do we say?

 

Abigail: [Grinning around a mouthful of scrambled eggs with genuine affection.] Thanks, Dad.

 

Alana [blushing bright pink and looking as if her ovaries have exploded at this paternal display]: Yes, thank you daddy. I MEAN DR LECTER. Thank you, Doctor Lecter.

 

 **Director** : ...And CUT. That’s a wrap for the day folks. Check your costumes back into wardrobe and we’ll see you tonight for the cast halloween party. Be there or be square. NBC sprung for an open bar, so lets make them regret that decision!

 

_The cast and crew chatters animatedly, everyone happy to be finished with work for the day and looking forward to a few drinks to unwind as everyone begins dispersing to their trailers. Mads sees Bryan walking on set and runs over for a high five on his way to his trailer._

 

Bryan: Give me some love, Mads! You almost made Hannibal look straight for a second HA! (Bryan and Mads bro hug it out for a few minutes.) Now get that sexy ass changed into your costume, your assistant left it in your trailer. We’re meeting the rest of the crew at 8 and if we’re not doing body shots by 9 we’re blowing that joint; it’s leather night at the Anvil and Daddy’s got a motorcycle jacket.

 

Caroline: [walking up, grinning] Did somebody say body shots? Can I take photos?

 

Mads: [Rubbing his chin thoughtfully] That’s funny, Raul asked the same thing earlier. He seems really fond of Hugh now that I think of it. Where is my wee-man?

 

Kacey: [Bumping her hip against Bryan’s in greeting] He’s hiding in Hair and Makeup.  Raul keeps “showing up” outside his trailer while he’s changing.

 

Bryan: Is Raul even working today? *Peers at call sheet for the set*

 

Mads, Caroline and Kacey: No.

 

Bryan: Well, shit. I’ll go calm down Hugh, give him a cup of tea or some shit. He’s British, they love tea.  Anyone have some butter cookies?

 

Random Sketchy Set Tech: [Slinking over] I’ve got some brownies if you’re interested.

 

Bryan: PERFECT.

 

 

 **_Four Hours Later_ ** ****

_The “Very Hannibal Halloween Party” is in full swing. Cast, crew and production team are all mingling, enjoying the well stocked open bar and halloween themed snacks designed by Janice Poon. Hettienne, dressed as a sexy WWII Fighter Pilot, Caroline, dressed as old school Harley Quinn and Aaron, well... no one's quite sure what his costume is... are pouring over an ipad together in the corner with muffled giggles, Lawrence, dressed as Blade,  has pulled an overstuffed armchair from a nearby soundstage set and has taken to knitting a half finished scarf pulled from his briefcase while chatting with Scott who is carrying a large black musical instrument case and appears to be dressed as Bill Clinton.  Mads ambles over to join them, resplendent in bloody victorian clothes as Sweeney Todd, complimenting Lawrence on his herringbone stitching of his half completed scarf and sitting on the arm of his chair. He notices a bespoke Bryan toting a confused and fluffy costumed Hugh into the room and beconds them over with a wave._

Bryan: Mads, thank god I found you because I might have done a thing. [Bites lip nervously]

 

Mads: [Blinks] What does that even mean? Wtf is he wearing? Nice suit by the way, Bryan.

 

_Bryan has borrowed one of Hannibal’s infamous plaid three piece suits and is cosplaying admirably as everyone’s favorite cannibal.  Bryan grins, pleased at the compliment._

 

Scott: It means he fucked something up.

 

Bryan: [Pursing his lips] Classy, Scott. But not entirely incorrect.

 

 _Mads is peering closely at what he can see of Hugh through his cartoonish dog costume._  

Mads: You alright, wee man? You’ve a bit of a flush. [ _Hugh gives an extended snort, lapsing into giggles.]_

Bryan: Uh, not exactly. So apparently Fancy Dancy doesn’t have much tolerance for the ganja. The sketchy set tech in the hoodie laced the party brownies.

_Scott, who has just taken a bite of a similar brownie promptly spits it out, it sails across the room and hits Aaron who flips him off._

Scott (Coughing): There’s pot in these? I’ve had three JFC.

 

_Mads reaches over to the platter of brownies on the coffee table and takes a large bite._

 

Mads: Maybe he’s just allergic to gluten or something, there’s nothing in these brownies. I’ve had five and I’m totally fine.

 

_Bryan, Lawrence and Scott raise their eyebrows. Hugh has begun to sway slightly back and forth, singing the Paw Patrol theme song under his breath._

Bryan: Mads, honey, you’re from Amsterdam. I think it’s safe to say your tolerance level probably surpasses Snoop Dogg. Hugh (Bryan jiggles his hand in a tight grip to bring Hugh’s attention back to the party) is a delicate, english rose. We is a precious baby murder mongoose and we must protect him. (He clutches Hugh to his bosom).

 

Lawrence: So you let him get dressed up in a furry suit and dragged him to a cast party?

 

Hugh: Woof! I’m a puppy.

 

Lawrence: [resuming his knitting, eyebrows raised] Bryan, that is a grown ass man in a furry suit, Hugh baby, you ain’t no puppy and I hope for damn sure you had that dipped in bleach and dry cleaned before putting your ass in there.

 

Hugh: What’s a furry suit?

 

Bryan: Oh boy.

 

Mads: Pass.

 

Lawrence: Not it.

 

Scott: Fuck. It’s uh...Fuck. Its a suit for people who like to pretend that they’re dogs.

 

Hugh: I love dogs! WOof!

 

Scott: Yeah….and like to pretend that they’re dogs…*Bill Clinton Voice* Having sexual relations….with other dogs...in suits...like that one.

_[Hugh looks down in horror, Mads is crying with laughter.]_

 

Mads [Wipes tears]: JFC, It even has a dick zipper in the front. AARON! Where’s the black light?

 

Bryan: NOOOOOoooooooooo DON’T GET THE BLACK LIGHT.

 

Hugh: [SHOUTING HYSTERICALLY] WHY DON’T WE WANT THE BLACK LIGHT?!

 

_[Mads has lost the ability to speak and has his head resting on his arms, wheezing “I can’t, I can’t” over and over again]_

Aaron [walks over to join the group with blacklight and shines on Hugh}: Holy fuck, thats a lot of jizz.

 

[Hugh lets out a high pitch scream, his entire fursuit is glowing bright white under the blacklight.]

 

Hugh: GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF!!!

 

Lawrence: Well, someone did.

 

_Mads, who had attempted to sober himself up and help Hugh out of the contaminated suit, falls into hysterics again._

_**** 15 Minutes Later ***_

_Bryan and Hugh return from his trailer, Hugh looking no worse for the wear wrapped up in one of Bryan’s elaborate velvet housecoats and slippers and sipping from a cup of tea._

 

Bryan: [ Clears throat ] Hugh has undergone quite the traumatic ordeal today, he is now dressed as a Trophy Husband for Halloween and we shall say no more about it.

 

Mads: Come here, wee man. [Gives him a bear hug, slapping his butt a few times for good measure] That’s a good boy.

 

Hugh: Too soon.

 

_Aaron walks over with a sheepish expression, carrying a tray of tequila shots and citrus wedges._

Aaron: Dancy, man, sorry about the black light. Let’s do some shots and get this party back on track. Happy Hannibal Halloween! 

 

_Lawrence, Mads, Hugh, Bryan, Aaron and Scott take their shots, grimacing in a manly fashion at the sting of the tequila._

Lawrence: Aaron, the fuck are you supposed to be? [gestures at his costume] A dead fruit loop?

 

Aaron: Guys, come on. [He gestures at his costume, multiple empty boxes of breakfast cereal strapped to his body with duct tape, knife handles sticking out of the boxes.] I’m a _Cereal Killer_ , get it?

 

Bryan: Don’t try to be funny, Aaron, puns are Mads' thing.

 

Lawrence: Speaking of which I have a bone to pick with you about this scene with Hannibal [pulls script out of his leather jacket pocket].

 

Hugh: Will has a bone for Hannibal * _snort_ * [He and Mads slap each other five].

 

Lawrence: [mumbling] Platonic my ass. So Bryan it says here that “Hannibal serves a..” [peers closer at script] “ gelatin mould of fish circling one another amongst flora and mushrooms, one nearly consuming the other, a constant ouroboros, mirroring the sexual tension that Jack is blind to between Hannibal and Will.”  FISH JELLO? Really? The fuck did I do to you, Bryan? [ Slaps script down on the table] Can Uncle Jack just eat some people please?

 

Bryan: [reassuringly] Don’t worry, we’ll just put it in Season 2.

 

 _[Mads cooly throws back another shot, , pulling out a sterling straight razor from his costume belt and striking it against a flint to light his cigarette.]_  Enough shop talk, who’s up for Karaoke? [Hugh bounces up and down] Hop up, Dancy.

 

[Hugh clambers onto Mads for a piggy back ride and they stride over towards the stage. No one looks surprised at this action, leading all to believe this is a regular occurance. In the background, the tech team has finished assembling the Karaoke stage and equipment and Hettienne, Caroline and Kacey (dressed as Little Red Riding Hood) are attempting a moving rendition of “My Heart Will Go On”.]

 

Hugh: BRYAN! BRYAN LOOK! I’M FLYING, MADS!

 

Bryan: [turns around to see Mads and Hugh waving at him enthusiastically, positioned like Jack and Rose in front of the karaoke stage, Bryan abandons an annoyed Lawrence and sprints over to frantically take a selfie with the boys and the three girls who hold up a “We Ship It #hannigramhoes” Bedazzled poster in the background] THIS IS GOING ON MY TWITTER BITCHES!

 

Mads: Move over, Hugh, it’s my turn to be Rose. [Holds up lit zippo lighter to the song]

 

Bryan: [tearing up] Life imitating art. [voice breaking with emotion] FLIP IT OUT BOYS. FUCK HETERONORMATIVITY!

 

Hettienne : [leans into the microphone during a stirring instrumental portion]  Hey everybody, we just wanted to say we love you guys...but...you just got Rick Rolled.

 

[Aaron joins them on stage, singing along as “Never Gonna Give You Up” starts playing, while Scott comes around the corner in Ray Bans playing a Saxaphone to the melody]

 

Mads: Wow, mood killer. Come on, Hugh, let’s sign up for Total Eclipse of the Heart.

 

Raul [Slinks up out of nowhere dressed as Beetlejuice] Hey Hugh, I’m signed up to sing S&M next, care to join me?

 

Hugh: *Squeeks* I’m good.

 

Mads: We’re doing a duet [winks, rubs Hugh's back comfortingly]

 

Raul [Not getting the hint to fuck off]: Are you dressed as Hugh Hefner? I should have brought my bunny suit. Pity. Although, [ he gestures to his costume and whispers] You know what they say about Beetlejuice,  if you say my name three times, _I’ll come._

 

Vladimir[ Standing behind him eating cocktail weenies with Lara and Lawrence] What the actual fuck Raul, some of us are trying to eat here.

 

Mads: Yeah, Raul. Go eat a cock dick with Vladimir. ( _Hugh chokes_ )

 

Vladimir: FUCK OFF MADS, IT’S CALLED A COCKTAIL WEENIE FUCK YOU.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So....what made you giggle? What would you love to see happen next? Comment and tell me everything? The response to this little crack fic MAKES MY LIFE!! Thank you all xx


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, AN UPDATE FOR YOU MY DARLINGS! Make sure you scroll to the bottom for photos and notes. xx Enjoy.

** Chapter Five **

** **

** **

** [Cast and Crew Production Meeting, Toronto, Day] **

****

_ The majority of the core cast and executive production crew of “Hannibal” has assembled around a large conference table looking a little worse for the wear. It is the morning after the Non-Denominational Happy HanniHolidays party.  Raul is clearly fairing the worst out of everyone, still wearing an ugly sweater from the night before, chugging lemon gatorade and attempting to hide his cold sweats. Hugh appears to have made it out of this cast party relatively unscathed, nibbling contentedly at the half a cinnamon scone and sipping a cup of tea. Mads is polishing off the other half of the scone, and drinking a large black coffee,  looking slightly fatigued and boyishly mischevious, pointing animatedly to something on his iPhone to an attentive Hugh. Lawrence embodies Jack Crawford in his quiet menace, glaring at anyone speaking above a whispered, hushed tone and clutching a bag of frozen peas to his temple.  _

****

Bryan:  AHEM! Thank you everyone for being here today...more or less...I know some of us got a little carried away last night, no more tequila for us, eh Mads? What happens at cast parties stays at cast parties, amiright?

[Raul goes a sickly shade of green at the mention of tequila and scrambles frantically for a large bucket he’s stored under the conference table, and promptly begins retching. Mads, unfortunately picks the absolutely wrong moment to look up from showing his Hannigram fanart album to Hugh and sees the whole spectacle, lip curling in disgust. 

Lawrence: [covering his nose with a pocket square stolen from Bryan]  For fucks sake man, go to the damn bathroom. I’m hungover within an inch of my life and I swear to God if you throw up again I will beat yo ass and have Janice serve you as an entree. Uncle Jack don’t give a FUCK right now. Go, get the fuck out of here. GO. 

_ Raul shuffles out slowly, clutching the bucket and mumbling a litany of promises to never drink again under his breath. Hugh lets out a strangled chuckle as Raul passes, seeing the large handwritten note reading “PsychoANALize Me, Senpai” taped to his back in Mads’ handwriting.  _

Bryan: Psh. Amateur. ANYWAY, the purpose of this gathering was to announce….Hugh, drum roll please [ _Hugh dutifully begins beating his hands rhythmically against the table_ ]  WE’VE BEEN RENEWED FOR SEASON TWO, CANNIBAES . 

__

_ [*throws rainbow confetti and bows to rapturous applause *] _

Bryan: [Continuing] Thank you, thank you, you’re all too kind. But, to business! We still have a bit of filming to complete for season one -- don’t forget your reshoots today, boys --   but I’ve been working tirelessly with our writers and we have an outline for season two  for you guys to look over.  I look forward to hearing feedback. That about does it, guys. Meeting adjourned. 

_ Nearly everyone files out of the room, smiling and chatting amicably, everyone excited to continue “Hannibal”. Hugh and Mads exchange a significant look, and remain seated, waiting for a moment alone with Bryan.The Underpaid, Disgruntled Writer refuses to take the hint, and remains seated at the table cradling his omnipresent “Actor’s Tears” cup of Jack Daniels, his head resting on the table top with a low groan. _

Mads: Okay, Bryan. This is the season we’ve been waiting for --

Hugh: --We have SO many ideas. But mostly, we need to know when _it_ is going to happen. [ _Hugh waggles his eyebrows suggestively, takes a delicate sip of tea from china teacup._ ]

Mads: Absolutely, the sooner we know, the sooner we can start playing up the subtext. Like that note you gave to Hugh about spreading his legs as wide as possible during the early therapy scenes, for “subtext”. 

Hugh: Exactly, that went over beautifully with test audiences. They ate it up.

Mads: *points at Hugh* I see what you did there, Mongoose. Nice Cannibal pun. Up top *High Five*

Bryan: [looking lost at this point] Wait, rewind for a sec….when what is happening? Hannibal and Will  fucked after like five episodes. Half of the show is trippy 70s era style sex scenes at this point. The network is raking me across the coals of hell over it, threatening to cut half the scenes and “dial it back” for “network television” --

Hugh [scoffs]: Obviously, did you see the sexual tension we built up? [ _He overjestculates with the teacup and pulls his arm back at the last second, avoiding a spill]_   No, no, no, we need to know when is Hannibal going to _PROPOSE_?

Bryan: Uh….you do realize that Will is incarcerated and set up by Hannibal at the end of season one, right?

Mads: [Waving it off] Insignificant, all couples have lovers spats. 

Hugh: Exactly. The path of true love and all that. Just tell us which episode. Do you want us to guess? * _Motions for Mads to join him and peers at list of season two episodes_ * 

Mads: Bryan, the hell is up with these episode names?

Bryan: They are the traditional japanese courses of a meal--

Hugh: [reading slowly] I’m guessing Naka-Choke-Me

Mads: I think it’s Naka Choko, wee man. *l _ooks closer at papers_ * Although I like your version better.

Hugh [ under his breath ] Yeah, you would.

Mads: Bryan, can we change that? Hannibal loves his puns. Will could say something like “Naka-choke-me daddy” It’d be hot and accurate, we’ve never explored Will’s daddy issues or really delved into enough kinks--

Disgruntled, Underpaid Writer: _[not moving from his crumpled position of misery]_ For fucks sake, enough with the choking kink, Mads. We wrote you an entire scene around it. Turn to page 9.

_ Mads eagerly goes to turn to page 9, but Hugh stops him with a hand on his arm. _

Hugh: Let’s not get distracted. Bryan. Give us the episode. I’m hoping mid season, because Hannibal would need at least six months to plan a spring wedding. 

Bryan: Errr…..

Mads: I thought we agreed on an autumnal wedding, the dying leaves echoing the dying tendrils of morality left in Will’s conscience? You made that pinterest board with the pomegranate centerpieces and everything. It was beautiful. 

Bryan: THEY’RE NOT GETTING MARRIED THIS SEASON.

_ Hugh drops his teacup in the ensuing silence, and it shatters in slow motion upon the ground. There are several moments of awkward and aggressive staring between the four men, before Bryan attempts to casually take a photo of the shattered teacup. _

Bryan: [Looking at the photo] Yeahhhhh, I’m totally going to use this in season 2. Tim, make a note would you?

Underpaid, Disgruntled Writer: My name is not fucking Tim, its --

Hugh [hissing]: They’re not getting married... _this season?_

Mads: What the fuck, Bryan. This isn’t what we signed up for. You made promises, you need to deliver. Why the hell aren’t they getting engaged the second they finish having rapturous, bloody, spine tingling makeup sex when Will is exonerated?  

Bryan: Okay, welll…. [Time lapse of Bryan animatedly divulging the plot of “Hannibal” Season Two: Gayer and Gayer feat. The Curl of Seduction to Mads and Hugh]

Mads:.....and then?   
  


Bryan: No “and then”, we fade to black. A nice six month wait for the fannibals to discover what happened, see who survived! Clffhanger baby! Ooooooh!  Hold up, that gives me an idea. Tim, --

Hugh: Are you fucking kidding me?

Mads: [Trying to remain calm] So Hannibal stabs Will in the stomach and then leaves the country with Bedelia?

Bryan: That’s right, --

Mads: You promised me more penetration Bryan, THIS ISN’T WHAT I MEANT. Fuck your story arc, they need legal consummation! What if Hannibal gets caught, how are they going to be granted conjugal visits?!?!

_ Hugh looks to be on the verge of a panic attack, taking deep breaths and glancing continually at his Fitbit  to monitor his heart rate. Mads shrugs out of his Adidas jacket and throws it over Hugh’s shoulders with a murderous glare. _

Mads: He’s going into shock, how could you do this to us, Bryan?

Hugh: *anguished cry * BUT WHY WOULD HE STAB HIS MURDER MUFFIN? 

Mads: Exactly, they should be on a Murdermoon across the mediterranean fucking like rabbits in springtime!

Underpaid, Disgruntled Writer: …. But, they do that anyway --

Mads: I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t want to hear excuses, Tim, I just want you to fix it. 

Bryan: Look, guys, my hands are tied. The network is breathing down my back, I’m trying to make this work, but there aren’t any big changes I can make to Season 2 at this point. It was a miracle to get the second shower scene approved, to be honest. You’ll just have to wait until Season 3 for a reconciliation, okay guys?

_ Hugh looks on the verge of tears. Mads is staring determinately at the pastry table in the conference room, refusing to look at anyone.  _

Bryan: Just trust me, boys, have I ever let you down? Season 2 is going to be a wild ride. We’ve got lesbians, and flesh eating pigs, this crazy cat called Mason Verger shows up, I even smoked some of that tech’s ganga and wrote this amazing scene with a social worker and a horse and veiled sexual references and chrysallis and [gushing] it’s just going to be amazing, you guys.  TRUST ME. 

_ Mads and Hugh continue to look unimpressed, Mads has wandered over to the pastry display and is dejectedly eating a cheese danish with a look of resignation on his face. Hugh catches the time on his Fitbit while checking to see if his heart rate had settled. With a deep sigh and a withering look at Bryan, their hero with feet of clay, he turns to Mads.  _

__

Hugh: Mads, we’re late for hair and makeup. We’re doing the reshoots for the encephalitis scene in the  Hannibal’s office.  We’d better go and get dressed, it will give us some time to get into character. And CALM DOWN [ _he sniffs, looking pointedly at Bryan.]_

** [Filming Location: Hannibal’s Office, Evening] **

** [Episode: Buffet Froid] **

** [Reshoots, End of Filming Season One] **

****

Director: Okay, let’s try this scene again everyone. Remember, _more eyefucking_.   Starting from page two, your line Mads. And we’re rolling…….action. 

** [Hannibal’s Office, Therapy Session] **

Hannibal: Do you feel alive, Will?

Will Graham: I feel...like I’m fading. 

Hannibal: Have you experienced any further loss of time...or hallucinations? Sexual dreams with increasing frequency?

_ Will gives a slow, quiet nod. The camera zooms to show the tension, the lack of eye contact. Will does not look up.  _

__

Hannibal: [continued] I’d like you to draw a clock for me. Would you do that, Will? With the large bit indicating the hour, the small bit the minute. 

Will Graham [Clearly perplexed]: Why?

Hannibal: An exercise, nothing more. I want you to remember a present moment. The now. Often as you can, think of where you are and when. 

Will Graham: This feels like coddling, you’re treating me like a child.

Hannibal [A brief quirk of his lips]: Indulge me, dear boy. 

__

_ Hannibal hands Will a notebook and pen. Will begins scribbling furiously in the notebook, looking up surrupticiously through his eyelashes at the dark figure of Dr. Lecter silhouetted by the roaring fire.  _

__

Hannibal: [Continued] Think of the time. Think of where you are. Think of who you are. Perhaps even who you would like to be. Or be with….What you could be doing with that time?

Will Graham: It’s 7:16 pm. I’m in your office in Baltimore, Maryland. My name is Will Graham. I must say, this is some unorthodox psychiatry, doctor. 

_ Will holds out the notebook for Hannibal, their hands brushing sensuously as the notebook passes from one man to the other. Their eyes lock and an intense moment passes. Hannibal speaks without looking at the open page, maintaining his focus on Will.  _

Hannibal :A simple reminder. A  handle to reality for you to hold onto….to make you feel alive.

Will Graham: [flushing slightly, with a light chuckle] Well,  that’s certainly one thing you could do with it. I’m sure we could think of others.

Cut to-- _Hannibal has opened the notebook and is staring perplexedly at the page, head tilted to one side not unlike a curious cat. He quickly glances at Will with eyebrows raised, before returning his eyes to the page.  Camera pans to show the notebook illustration where Will has drawn, not a clockface, but a series of different sized and shaped phalluses. Hannibal shifts uncomfortably in his leather chair, elegantly crossing his legs to hide the sudden tightness in his suit trousers. Inversely, Will seems to be taking up as much space on his matching chair as humanly possibly, legs arranged obscenely wide in a traditional manspread._

__

Hannibal: Will….well this is no less...enlightening [clears throat]...it is not altogether what I intended with this exercise. Might I ask how you are supposed to determine the time from this arrangement? [Squints his eyes and turns his head to the side again] ...by this illustration you seem to believe it is approximately 11:30? Is that correct?

_ Hannibal turns the notebook around for Will’s inspection, pointing almost as a second thought to the large grandfather clock located behind Hannibal’s desk. Will’s eyes suddenly widen in understanding _

__

Will Graham: Ohhhhhh, draw you a _CLOCK_. 

Director : Aaaand CUT! That’s it for the day guys, let’s cut print and check the gate. 

Hugh: [Leaning forward] Do we need to reshoot the bit where Will crosses out “Hanni-ballsack” on the next page  or did that take make it through the edit?”

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to Shadowyhannigram for the "subtext" of Hugh's R I D I C U L O U S man-spread (damn son, you must take yoga). I don't have the name of the artist for the "clock" modification edits but I found them on pinterest of all places and couldn't resist using them in our little crack fic. Another update will be coming sooooon. Comment and tell me if you loved it or hated it xx


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